I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
