yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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