thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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