There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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