dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I forget how to act sober
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
