I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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