What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
