wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
