Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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