I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
