i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
