I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
