Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
