Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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