Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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