My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize