I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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