its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
