He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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