Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
