I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
