He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
