True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
this is an emotional support booty call
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
