You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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