hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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