he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
