I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Enjoy the penises
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
