Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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