Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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