she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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