I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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