you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
