did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
