Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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