I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
