So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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