Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
