I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
