why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
