Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
