Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dicks are not precious.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
