Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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