Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
