He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
