I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
