I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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