just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
