What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
