if you like me you must not know who I am
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
