I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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