All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
