i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
