I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
