I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
