I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
