You made me cry and you don't even care
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
