I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
There are leaves in my underwear?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
